Being a Bastard is Life's Mission
by Hanji-dono
Summary: (AU) The infamous underground thug, Levi Ackerman gets his ass handed to him when Survey Corps agent Hanji Zoe manages to catch him. And to add fuel to the fire, he somehow becomes the newest hotshot of the organization. How would he fare against his co-agents who seem to have issues with thugs such as himself, not to mention, working with the very person who got him in this mess?
1. Chapter 1

**A / N :**

**Domo! I just wanted to write a fanfic so badly so here I am, writing a new story despite not updating my other one. YOLO (Sorry.)**

**I also posted this in Wattpad :)))**

**This story is inspired by the movie, Kingsman but the story overall is not about Kingsman. Get my drift?**

**Well, let's not keep you waiting, dear reader. (^ o ^)/**

**Disclaimer:**

**SnK does not belong to me as well as most of the parts of the story cover. The aforementioned belong to their respective owners. I only own the story. :3**

**Warning:**

**This is a LeviHan fanfic. Also, expect randomness, not-so-perfect grammar (lol), crazy shit, might-be-slow updates (wish me luck...), maybe some gory stuff &amp; a lot of 'colorful' vocabulary.**

**You have been warned. Proceed.**

**P S :**

**Reviews &amp; Comments are appreciated. Vote if you like it. XD**

**_~ Hanji-dono _(n w n)**

_"GET BACK HERE, YOU THUGS!"_

Rapid footsteps echoed through the slums of the underground city below the Capitol. They came from three thugs, running away from their enraged victim of whom they have stolen a month's supply of apples- that's valuable in this kind of place. Such is the way of a thug. Nobody seemed to mind or care, a proof that this is but a daily occurrence.

The bystanders didn't even bat an eye when a certain group of people with matching uniforms joined the wild-goose chase.

_"Levi-aniki, it's them again!"_ The only female of the thug trio turns her head to get a better view of their pursuers. "Hahaha, I'm positive they won't catch us! They never do!" She flashes a smug smile before facing front, taking a bite from one of the apples in her possession.

_"Isabel, you're too noisy."_ The girl, now known as Isabel, pouts from her Levi-aniki's comment.

The remaining member of the trio could only sigh at his friends' antics. As he surveyed the group chasing them, he notices something different from them.

"They're not the usual bunch. They look more agile."

Isabel turns her head for the second time, squinting to prove his statement. "You're right Farlan! They seem to be the more competent ones."

"Then we have to outrun those shitheads. Isabel, Farlan, let's go." Levi received nods of agreement from the two.

The trio speeds up, splitting up at an intersection. Isabel on the right, Farlan taking left, and Levi heading straight on.

Levi glances back, spotting only one person tailing him. He decided to take a detour, turning at a corner where there is a high chain link fence blocking the path. He ran faster, preparing to climb over the fence and jump over the other side when he heard familiar voices he didn't want to hear right now as it serves as a sign that they're in trouble.

"Levi!" "Levi-aniki!"

As Levi dreaded, Farlan and Isabel were on the other side of the fence, tied up &amp; guarded by two of their pursuers along with the guy they stole the apples from. That was fast.

_"GOTCHA!"_

"What the-" He dodged in time, dropping the bag containing the apples as a woman fell down from above (?) in an attempt of a surprise attack.

_'Is she fucking retarded? Who the hell, in their right minds would go to such extremes just to apprehend a fugitive?' _Thoughts ran in Levi's mind, the apples forgotten as he went one-on-one with the crazy woman. The person tailing him earlier watches them, ready to intervene if needed.

For the first time in his combat background, Levi had a hard time keeping up with this woman's rhythm.

Isabel was right. They're more competent than the usual shitheads. Especially this one. She may actually be one of their best hotshots.

Things got worse for him when the lazy-ass guy watching them decided to finally join the party, making Levi fight them with one arm &amp; one leg each. By a stroke of luck, he manages to kick the woman away, temporarily eliminating her from the picture. He focused more on the other guy whom he successfully punched away after a few hits.

The biggest &amp; stupidest mistake Levi made however, is losing sight of his female opponent.

The sharp, cold tip of a pocket knife made contact with the back of his neck. But that's not it. He can handle that move any day. The problem right now is the fact that the crazy woman has two more pocket knives directly aimed at his two friends. To rub salt on the wound, she mentioned that they were coated with poison. And from her tone, she means business.

Mike quickly went on his feet once the woman pushed the thug towards him, and proceeded to roughly pin him down on his stomach. Despite knowing it's futile, Levi still showed resistance by wriggling as one of his captors tied his wrists together and smashed his face to the puddle of sewage water.

"Good job, Mike! The plan went smoothly." The woman beamed, sunshine &amp; sparkles practically in the background from her cheery, enthusiastic mood. She squatted to meet Levi's eyes (who were glaring at her), opting to ruffle his now wet hair. "Sorry about using your friends as hostage. It's dirty, but it was the only way to get you. You're just so strong!" She grins at him before standing (jumping up) and picking up a stray apple from the ground.

"Oi, that's my apple!" The owner of said apple yelled. She faced him, sending a sheepish smile. "Sorry pops, but I'm starving!" When she turned around, she could feel the glare of Levi's friends boring at her back. Can't blame them...

_'It's fucking official. She's retarded. How can she even be this annoying &amp; energetic when a few minutes ago she was like a heartless killer?' _Levi observed the woman who is currently tossing the apple in the air and catching its fall repeatedly.

Lazy-ass Mike pushed his weight more on the still wriggling Levi. "You know, you didn't have to jump off that building. That wasn't entirely necessary."

"I thought it would catch him off guard. It was fun~! Wait 'til Erwin hears about this! Oh, I better call HQ!" The woman stops playing with her apple and adjusts her eyeglasses. She dials something on her phone after grabbing it from her pocket, skipping as she did so.

"Hey, this is Han-" Mike gave her a look. "I mean _*ehem* _this is Special Agent Zoe speaking!"

_"Well from your high-pitched tone &amp; your audible jumping of joy, I presume the mission was a success?"_

The woman takes a bite from the apple.

"Yep! We got him!"

**A / N : Well here's the first chapter. Hope you liked it! XD**

**Oh, sorry about the characters' slight OOCness. ^ ^**

**Reviews &amp; Constructive criticism are highly appreciated. No ridiculous flames please. :))**

**If you like this so far, vote! ;D**


	2. Chapter 2

"Levi-aniki, I'm hungry!" Isabel whines, much to her companions' annoyance.

"How can you have an appetite in this shithole of a place? Damn, this place is so filthy..." Levi looks at their cell, frustrated of his statement's ugly truth.

"I'm much more amazed of the fact that she still thinks about food when we're locked up here, and possibly awaiting our impending deaths." Farlan says, leaning on the wall behind him.

_'So hunggrrryyyy...' _The pigtailed lass clutched her aching stomach, demanding to be filled.

As she whined to herself in agony, a memory resurfaced in her mind, giving her an idea.

See, there was this old man in the underground city whose always given food when he does his thing. She was amazed that he gets food for free and asks the old man to teach her about it. So everytime she was hungry, she would do this until someone gives her food.

With new found hope, she stands up, dusting herself and supposedly preparing for something. Apparently, her actions seem to be a bad omen for Farlan.

"Umm, Levi..." he sweatdrops, not leaving his eyes on the unusually silent girl of the trio.

Levi turns to him, then to what he was looking at nervously.

_'Oh no.'_

"Cover your ears!" These words quickly left his mouth as he, too did what he had just yelled. Farlan didn't waste a second and followed his companion.

**_"LA LA LAAAAA!"_**

"What the fuck?!" The guards react, surprised &amp; irritated by the horrible sound they are hearing.

**_"LA LA LA!"_**

By now, everyone in the vicinity was covering their bleeding ears.

**_"LA LA LAAA!_"**

"MAKE HER STOP!" One of the guards shouted.

"She won't stop unless someone gives her food!" Farlan shouted back. Levi supplied his statement by yelling (and glaring) at them to _'don't just stand there like idiots, give her some food!'_. But the guards can't handle Isabel's wrath.

**_"LA LAAAAAAAAA~!"_**

Before one of them could lose their mind or snap, the singing (?) shockingly came into a screeching halt all of a sudden. Thank God.

Everyone removed their hands from their ears, some of them soothing their damaged hearing organ.

Farlan &amp; Levi wondered why she stopped, but they weren't got their answer when the smell of mashed potatoes reached their noses, accompanied by the prominent sound of footsteps approaching their area.

A fucktard is approaching. With their savior: food.

"Ahahahaha, that was _wonderful_ singing there!" Ok, a tone deaf fucktard with food is approaching.

They looked at the hallway, curious of the intruder until SHE came into view, alerting the thug trio.

'Why? Just why?' Levi could only sigh, irritated of her sudden appearance as she stopped right in front of their cell.

"Hi there!" She smiles at them, a long plate having 3 large mashed potatoes &amp; 3 spoons in her hands.

Isabel made two steps back, uncomfortable of her unexpected visit.

"Special Agent Zoe," The guard salutes. "what are you doing down here?"

"I came here to see these guys."

"What do you want?" Levi asked, his tone coated in hostility. The agent didn't falter at this, however.

"As the person who sent you here, it would be rude to not give you some food. Think of it as an apology gift for yesterday." Levi's impression of this woman being a weirdo heightened while Farlan &amp; Isabel were confused of her statement.

"What kind of shitty mentality is that?"

"You really are the grumpy type, huh?"

The shortest of the trio glared at her more sharply, but this time his demeanor seemed to change from hostile to just annoyed.

"You're a weirdo, shitty glasses."

"Thanks for the nickname, chibi Levi!"

The sound of a vein popping on his head was imminent followed by muffled giggles from his companions whom he glared at.

Special Agent Zoe only laughed at their antics. She placed the plate she was holding on the floor and slided it to the opening where food is received by the prisoners.

"Well dig in, you guys! I'm sure you're all starving! It's only a small amount, but it'll at least alleviate your hunger."

Cue the sounds of 3 stomachs grumbling. Isabel held her poor tummy. Farlan was blushing, obviously embarrassed. Even Levi can't hide his hunger from his almost unreadable persona. They haven't eaten since yesterday morning. The apples they stole were supposed to be their dinner.

"Don't worry, they don't have poison." To prove her point, she scooped &amp; ate a tiny portion. "Now don't be shy now."

Isabel couldn't take it anymore. Screw her pride &amp; dignity. She's hungry as hell. She grabbed a spoon and ate one of the mashed potatoes.

"It's... good." Flowers were practically in the background as she continues to gobble up her food.

"Of course it is! Petra made them. She's so good in cooking!" She began talking to herself. Petra this and Petra that. The three prisoners just ignored her.

It didn't take long before Farlan finally gave into temptation as well. Levi also joined in, succumbing to his stomach's demands.

They had to admit though. These mashed potatoes are good as fuck. It's been a long while since they last ate such things.

"Is there anything else you want from us, aside from giving your 'apology gift'?" Farlan broke the silence as they ate.

"Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me!"

'Does she ever stop smiling?' The trio thought.

"I came down here to tell you that someone very important wants to talk to you lot, especially you, chibi!"

"And who might that fucker be?" Levi shrugged the nickname, knowing that complaining will be futile.

In an instant, the agent's smile changed into a smirk.

"Why don't you see for yourselves?"

"Well this is how far I can take you guys.I have a mission today." Agent Zoe exits the elevator. "Your appointment's on the top floor. Good luck~!" The last thing they saw before the doors close is her bright smile accompanied by a wave.

"She's a strange woman, but nice, nevertheless." Farlan states, staring at the elevator doors where the agent exited.

"Yeah, she even gave me sweets!" Isabel exclaimed, showing a bag that contains the aforementioned delicacy.

"Shitty glasses has a screw loose. End of story." Levi crosses his arms.

The elevator stops once again -a sign that they reached their destination. The doors slid open, allowing the guard to push Levi, Farlan &amp; Isabel out and enter a gigantic office that seems to be the only thing on the top floor. The place was oozing sophistication &amp; at the same time authority.

A cough made them return to their senses after staring at the office for 5 minutes. They searched for the source, eyes landing on a tall blonde man, standing right beside Farlan. The latter jolted in surprise, but quickly regained his composure.

"The infamous thug trio..." Said trio looked at the man sharply after mentioning the last two words.

"My name is Erwin Smith, commander of the Survey Corps." He walks away from them, situating himself to his swivel chair. Levi's glare intensified together with his companions. What does this bastard want from them?

"Have a seat. We're just going to have a little chat." Erwin pointed to the couch in front of his desk. The three complied, not seeing any reason why not to do so. And besides, it's not like they have a choice, do they?

"I know this is sudden, but please hear me out." The commander spoke, placing his elbows on top of his desk and his intertwined hands below his chin. He looked at the three sternly. Levi returned the look. Farlan looked away. Isabel looked down. All were visibly tense. The office's temperature which dropped several degrees together with the current painful silence made them even more tense.

Finally, the commander opens his mouth again.

_"Won't you make a trade with me?"_

**A / N : Chapter 2. Sorry for the delay.**

**Thank you for those who followed, favorited &amp; voted for this story. It's nice that people appreciate this. XD**

**Reviews &amp; Constructive criticism are welcomed.**

**If you like this so far, vote/follow/favorite! ;D**


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